Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
