I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
