and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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