So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
