life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
