just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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