its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
