Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
