Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
