me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
