community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
