o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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