Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
