I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
