the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
