i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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