Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
