There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
