my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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