We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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