Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
