Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Semen is not good for contacts.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
