She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
