I'm really into asian looking animals
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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