your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
