Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
