I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
