dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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