And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
