nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So vagazzling was a success
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
