I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
