How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
