I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
