don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
