Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
