Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
