JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
