Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
