I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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