oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
