I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
