I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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