The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
