i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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