In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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