Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
When are your genitals available?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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