atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
