Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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