fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
