i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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