By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
