I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
