My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you had me at cake vodka
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
