im drinking this country out of the recession.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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